It has been a while since I've sat down and just wasted a day like today. I feel relaxed and like my 14 year old self, spending time to reflect on what has been happening and what will be happening in my coming days. Normally these consisted with reading a few inspirational and sentimental posts on Xanga, that was my 15 year old self, most similar to Tumblr of today. As a millennial, I have grown up slightly and moved onto websites such as Thought Catalog and Elite Daily. If you haven't had a chance to read these, I would highly suggest it, even though sometimes it takes up a couple of hours of my day when I've engrossed myself in catching up with all the articles I've missed.
I hadn't read a post in a while that I thought was highly original and which I truly resonated with, until I stumbled across a post written by a girl named Kelsey Hau, "Why I hope my ex was a once in a lifetime kind of love". She put everything so perfectly. I will try to explain why I believe this resonated so perfectly to me in a way as eloquent as her.
1. Firstly, I understand that my love with my ex was temperamental, the constant fighting.
It was never ending. Every few days there would be something to argue about.
"Why are you following him on Instagram..?"
"I can't see you today."
All these little comments turning into full blown arguments, for hours, even arguing about who will apologise first. It was these little things. In my mind, all couples argued like this, we all went through this, because why wouldn't you if you loved your 'other half' so much.
2. The feeling of being incomplete without him.
I somehow found I was constantly trying to fill a void when I wasn't with him.
Wednesdays and Sundays were "our days", these were the days we would arrange to see eachother. My life with everybody else was planned around this, if he HAD to change plans, so did I. On the days I wasn't with him, I had to find somewhere to be, some friends to hang around with, because I knew as soon as I wasn't with him I was thinking of him, I had to fill a void, because essentially I felt incomplete.
3. Young Love, so passionate and so crazy.
All those late night phone calls that lasted till 3am. Sneaking out of the house when your parents are home. Finding yourself in a different country with them, and not telling your parents. Spending time sneaking into clubs as an underage teen. Spending all your money on buying the perfect anniversary gift, or the perfect birthday gift. Driving an hour and a half twice a week, just to see them.
All these little things, you cannot replicate, because as adults you lose you have responsibilities.
He, You, Together are no longer the priority. You find passion in the work you do, the books you read and the people who share the same passions as you who don't require all of your attention.
4. When they leave you, you feel completely and utterly lost.
The second break up, our final official break up was mutual. The first, came completely out of the blue. Once again we were just talking having our late night phone calls. All of a sudden out of nowhere he proceeds to tell me he doesn't know how he feels. Mind you, this was very shortly after my 18th birthday, very shortly after valentines day where we had spent a couple of days on vacation. Everything seemed fine. Until that moment. I felt completely lost, I was crying more than I had before (mind you, I cried a lot during this relationship. Possibly once every week at least). I was so lost, confused, scared that I didn't even want to wake up for school the next day. I found myself lay weeping in bed and finally got the courage to wake up at 11am. To only find myself crying more once I was with my friends.
This is one of the reasons I would never want to have a relationship like this again. After being together for 2 years at this point, I just felt completely lost.
The following 1 1/2 year was even more difficult, but that is another story to tell.
I just found everything Kelsey describes was my relationship with him. I was 15-18 during my time with him. It was both the most amazing time, blessed with amazing memories and lessons, and yet one of the most miserable, destructive, painful few years I had. It has taught me a lot of lessons.
People sometimes ask me today why I am single. In my head I can think of numerous reasons. But that is another post to come.
But to conclude, my ex wasn't perfect, and neither was I. But I genuinely did love him, but I can only speak for me. The time was spent wisely and yet unwisely, and sometimes you just have to see the positive even if you can only remember the worst times. But to this day, I believe I will never want to be in a relationship like that, with a person like that, because loving somebody so deeply only harms yourself in the end.
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